Camp days 9-14

I have decided that it is most efficient for me to write my blogs in word and then simply download them to the site whenever I have internet - which isn’t often (though it is easily accessible I have simply been too busy or too tired to go to it). Anyway, only took me about 2 weeks to figure this out. Yeah I am a slow learner at times.
I won’t bore you with the details of everything but focus on a few key things. First of all, Thursday the 18th found me on the ropes course of camp. Since this has been such an intense training session (sometimes too intense) they broke all the counselors into 4 groups in order to have smaller ‘class sizes’ for the meetings. These groups were based on what things you were specializing in here at camp. Also meant this would be the group you went through the ropes course with. The ropes course is a series of challenges that are set up for the kids in the trees. All start with some way of getting off the ground, manuver through various obsticles that take you up to about 60 feet in the air and then you zipline down to the bottom of the course. It is very cool looking but very terrifying as well. However having never done a zipline I was pumped. After a morning of trust-game exercises to get us to know and trust our ropes crew (the ones actually holding our asses up in the air) we were ready. I volunteered to go second. There are basically 3 ways to start: 1) a ladder up a tree to a tie-rope like thing with Tarzan vines you hold on to or swing through to get to a balance beam you cross, taking you to a bridge that leads you to vertical pentagram type thing you climb up to get to a big black verticle tube that has holes you put your hands through to climb up inside of up to a ledge where you then get on a horses saddle, yell YeeHaw then cross another bridge to the zip line; 2) starts as a series of horizontal ropes about 2 feet apart that you climb across while going up, onto a shaky bridge thing that then meets up with the pentagram from the first route; and 3) which starts with a huge 60 foot tall cargonet that you climb up to a ledge where you then cross 2 balance-beam things that are free floating (suspended from trees by cables, not stable at all) to a giant spider web style cargonet that is perfectly vertical which leads you up to the zipline ledge. For reasons I cannot explain (though probably a spider-web Spiderman connection of some sort) I chose option number 3. Big mistake!
After about 40 minutes of climbing and exhausting myself on the cargonet I finally reached the first ledge. Totally freak out about the height and still not trusting of the equipment I stayed there for a few minutes catching my breathe. Ok…like 15 but whose counting? I then had to switch to a static line (one not held onto by a person but set in the tree) to traverse the free-floating balance beams. I was very reluctant at first to cross as they told me it would be easiest to hold onto the rope harness and just walk it. My mind was not having it. After some minor fears and mishaps I opted to have on hand on the harness and one hand on the static line above me. This worked out beautifully for me. I got across in a very quick pace and was at the next ledge in no time. I was totally elated and excited. I was so close to the zipline it was awesome! I switched back to a belay line (one held by a person) and started to climb the spider web. It was exhausting. It made the cargonet look simple and easy. I made it to the center before my entire body started to rebel against me. The first cargonet is similar to ones we’ve all seem where they lean forward and you can basically lay flat on them with your belly to the ground. Not this one. Oh no! the spider web was perfectly vertical which meant you either stood straight up or you fell backwards. So here I was hanging now over 60 feet in the air and hanging backwards with only my arms and legs holding me up. It was exhausting. I had to take a series of breaks, where I stopped climbing and just sat back in the harness having the person below hold me up. The great thing about that was it got me confidence in the equipment which totally eased my fears of the height and let me start to appreciate just how high I was and how far I had come. However, these breaks were short lived because I was determined to make it to the zipline. I pushed on. Though my muscles started to ache and my knees were rubbing raw from rope burn I pushed on.
By this time I had been on the ropes about an hour, maybe a little more. The day before I had been doing some intense lifeguard training. My cabin mates had taken to talking loud into the wee hours of morning and I was running on very little sleep. In short, my body was really beginning to shut down and become very pissed off at me. But I held on. Or tried to. The ropes crew felt my pain and fatigue and gave me a ‘push’ by counting to three and then jumping up and yanking my harness (and thus me) up a few feet. It helped a lot but also felt like an enormous wedgy. I continued to hold on. By this time I had been on the ropes for about an hour and a half. Utterly exhausted and about 6 steps from the ledge for the zipline. But I was having trouble getting my feet to move up since I was leaning so far back. They told me to push forward with my weight but my arms were simply too tired from holding myself on practically upside down (thinking crawling along a ceiling) for almost an hour. Also from being in the tight harness and having been pushed earlier, the harness started to cut into my stomache and legs. That was when I started getting muscle shakes. You know, where you are so worn out your body just starts twitching. Here I am about 65-70fee off the ground, hanging upside down in the giant spider web, 6 steps from the ledge that will get me on the zipline I have wanted to do for months and my body has decided to stop. I hold on, I push, I scream, I swear out strings of profanities. I tell the girls below how I have a totally Spiderman fantasty but it isn’t quite like this. I beg and plead to God for any level of assistance. I cheer myself on. Others are cheering me on. The rope crew feels for me and they offer to give me 2 more pushes which, with my climbing, will probably get me there. At the mention of the pushes my body starts to totally shut down as I can feel the harness cutting in to a point where my legs are starting to tingle. In the worn out, exhausted and absolutely knackered state I had to make one of the most frustrating decisions I have ever had to make - I asked to come down. Six steps from the zipline and I HAD to stop. My body couldn’t take it anymore. The pushes might have gotten me up but my legs were practically useless in climbing. And my arms were so tired I doubt I could have help myself up onto the zipline. I felt I had no other option. I asked to come down, let go of the spider web and was slowly and gently lowered to the ground. At the exact moment I let go of the web I began to uncontrollably and violently cry. I bawled. There is no other definition.
I was so utterly disappointed in myself. I felt like a complete loser. I had come so far, was so close and I gave up. I reached the ground and just sat there crying for almost 10 minutes. The head of the ropes crew (another counselor) came over and told me I had done an amazing job. Everyone applauded and said they had never seen anyone with as much determination as I had up there. He told me no one had ever been on the course so long - holding on and working like that. That I should be proud of myself and feel good about how far I got with little to no assistance. Everything that was said was sweet and supportive. And to my mind, utter bullshit. I had failed. I had tried and I had failed. I felt like I was an out-of-shape, overweight loser who should just go home now cause I can’t do a physical thing to save my life. I got off the ground, took off my gear and walked back to my cabin alone. I cried the entire way back. I got to the cabin and laid on my bed, almost completely unable to move my arms. Everything was shaking, violently. I called y boyfriend on my cell phone and told him what had happened. He was supportive and encouraging. At first he seemed disappointed that I hadn’t done the zipline. But as I explained the course I had to traverse to get to the zipline he quickly changed his tone - I think he thought it was just a zipline, not something you had to climb through trees to get to. Once he understood the magnitude of the course he was very sweet and kind. I still felt awful and still beat myself up quite a bit. I couldn’t hold the phone to my ear so I had to rest it on the pillow and lean my head because my arms hurt way too much to move. I was miserable. I eventually stopped crying about that situation and got off the phone. As cabin mates came in I began to try and get up so I could head to dinner at the dining hall. Every muscle in my body ached - and I mean every damn one! On the walk over people who had heard about my afternoon approached me and offered support and kind words. People who had seen me came over to say how inspiring I was that I pushed myself so hard and for so long. That they were so sad to see me stop but knew I had made the right choice. It was nice to hear these things but again, I felt it was all irrelevant. I had failed to reach the zipline.
On this walk, as a way to avoid eye contact with people, I began to examine my hands. It was then that I noticed the splinters. Both hands, front and back, were covered with splinters - some from the wood that came out of the ledges into my palms as I climbed onto them for support and a small break, but mostly from the hard ropes that were holding me up. I realized I would need to remove these before I could do much with my hands. I tried to eat what I could but without arm movements it’s hard to eat most foods. After dinner I went to the health lodge where I found a needle and tweezers. After 20 minutes I had removed about 15 splinters total from both hands, ranging in size from almost invisible to 2 that were at least ¼ inch long. Felt good to have them out but just added to my body’s sense of rebellion. I left the health lodge to head to night training still feeling like a loser…a beaten loser.
The next morning I took a long hot shower and had a good look at myself. I was completely covered with brusies from my knees all the way down to my ankles. Both knees were swollen and rope burned (I had climbed in long pants). The thighs had huge bruises where the harness set, as did my legs and stomach. I was quite a pitiful mess. Following the shower I had to go back to the pool for more liefguard training. My body was hating me. And I still felt like a loser. Completely.
The next few days were filled with training sessions on counseling, boundaries, etc. I learned some things and unlearned others. It all informative but the overall process is still a bit much for me. The forced friendship feeling is a bit overwhelming for me at times. I like everyone, truly. And I think most of the people here are people I could actually get along with and be mates with. However, forcing us to interact and ‘get to know each other’ in such constructed ways is foreign to me and I am having trouble adjusting.
Back home, with the social group I am in, I am used to bonding with people over events and activities. It gives you a common thing to do and focus on and then converse about. Here it is more ‘sit and talk about this’ type thing and that isn’t my style. And I find it just frustrates me and makes me less apt to want to communicate. Plus there are times when the age differences/maturity differences seem really huge to me. With so many people here wanting very badly to make friends or meet someone, I find I am an outsider. I want friends, of course, but it is not my motivating force here. With a boyfriend back home I have no desire to meet someone. Those two things alone seem to set me apart quite a bit. I try to be myself with people but I sometimes find my more serious or quiet side is what I show -though I still ask 800 questions, which seems to annoy some staff here and/or gives them this false impression of how I ‘work’ which is bothering.
All of this plus the intense liefguard training has been very exhausting. It has been sunny 1 day since I got here. One day! Most days it is raining and windy. Most of those days we have been in the water at the pool or the lake. It has been draining, exhausting and at times, down right miserable. However the last 2 days have showed some silver lining I think.
Yesterday while walking to the lake I had a few minutes on my own to just look at the ropes course, as it is on the way. Upon seeing it I realized just how far I had gotten. I realized how difficult the path I had chosen was too. I watched a few others struggle with it much as I did, some succeeding and others not. And I realized that for someone who had never even done a climbing wall before, to have climbed a 60 foot high cargo net was impressive. As someone who is horribly afraid of heights to have spent almost 2 hours on little ledges or ropes or balance beams only secured to safety by ropes and a harness that was impressive. And for someone who hasn’t worked out regularly for a long time and is carrying so extra weight and has been running around non-stop and swimming for the first time in about 8 years, the fact that I made it off the first cargonet was impressive. Standing there almost 5 days later and seeing where I had started and where I had stopped and realizing the physical reasons for why I had stopped and that none of them were because of fear or lack of determination, I finally started to remember and listen to the things people had said to me about my attempt, and I finally started to say those very things to myself. I had tried so hard, I had given my complete and total all, I had pushed myself to the maximum of my limits and then pushed even further. I had tried harder for that zipline than anything I have tried for in the last few years - physically and mentally. I had pushed and pushed. And despite how badly I wanted it I also allowed myself to know my final limit and not push myself to the point of physically permanently hurting myself. I had given it my best effort and for that, I was proud. Finally. Realizing that put a little spring in my step and made my walk to the lake a bit lighter.
I then spent the remaining part of that day running drills with the other lifeguards in the lake. I came backt o camp and then proceeded to head to the pottery studio where I hand-crafter (pinch and pull method not the wheel) a giant mug for me to drink tea in. Since I always add ice cubes to my hot water so I can actually drink it sometime I made the mug big enough to have a large amount of hot water while still leaving room for the ice cubes. AND the top is in the shape of a star. Bet you never seen that before!
Then today I spent the day back at the lake finishing our drills and doing a final emergency simulation with a spinal injury. After all of the training and pushing and early morning, cold water, total downpour rainy swims, I am officially a lifeguard. And honestly, I feel confident in my abilites as one. Not to mention proud of myself for reaching this goal. It’s awesome! Also we had a staff talent show tonight that was great fun to watch. I chose not to particpate but instead just be an audience member. It was great fun and honestly I wish they had started our training with that since I now feel like I have real conversation pieces with some people. Not to mention a better feel for personalities which would have made interactions easier for me all along. But either way, it was fun to watch and I was impressed by quite a few of them actually.
The next few days involve a bit more training and prepping for the kids, who finally arrive on Saturday. I am so ready to ‘get the show on the road’ now that I am really anxious. I haven’t enjoyed a good portion of this training -being told what to do and when isn’t something I am used to. As my boyfriend pointed out, a lot of this sounded like (and felt like) boot camp. I have tried to conform and mostly have, though I feel like bits of me have suffered. But on Saturday the kids arrive and the real fun begins for me. This is the reason I came here - to be with the kids. Everything else is just extra or irrelevant to me. So I am very excited to see the day coming nearer. And I would be lying if I didn’t say that the training has been useful mostly and probably very important in the long run. And given the usual demographic of the counselors the method of training is probably very necessary and effective. Again, I may not have fit in but that doesn’t mean I haven’t gotten stuff out of it. And I may be counting down the days til camp is over for me, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t parts I am enjoying or that I want to give up. If anything I want to have it be something like, “And with 30 days left I finally stopped counting and reached my zone of pure enjoyment.” Don’t know if I will but I hope to. I am here for the kids so with them arriving I am sure I will lose count or at least count with a motive of not wanting ot go vs. waiting anxiously to leave.
I am also trying very hard to worry about ‘the real world’ less. I still have my concerns about friends or the boyfriend. Anytime I have voiced them to anyone back home I get a resounding “stop worrying” or “come on already” which makes me feel silly but also helps. Rather that than, “Yeah we probably will break up” or “We already made a new friend just like you so you’re right to be worried.” my close friends and my boyfriend have been great dealing with my insecurities. I can’t express how much I appreciate it. I am still a little worried, I have 45 more days here. To me right now, given how tired I am and such it seems like a long time. But I know it really isn’t. and maybe to those back home with their usual comforts and such, it really isn’t. To me, across the country and sharing a room with 2 other girls with only a tiny 2 shelf cabinet to put all my stuff on, it seems a long time. Where a shower is a true luxury and I am frantically checking for ticks each night before bed, 45 days is a year. And a lot can change in a year. But to those at home, this 45 days may be 2 weeks. I keep reminding myself that I wouldn’t forget my friends, so they probably won’t forget me. Same goes with lots of stuff - if I wouldn’t do it or think it, why should I think someone else would? Makes no sense. So I am trying to let myself let go of some of the stress. As it was explained to me, “don’t will it into existence” so I am trying not to worry so much. The worries are there but getting a care package helps. A kind email helps. A sweet text message helps. Hell, even a sarcastic email or text helps. And I have gotten all of those things, so why on earth should I worry I’ll be replaced, mistreated or forgotten?! It’s not easy since it really comes down to trust which is not something that is super easy for me, but I am trying. And if I can worry-less and think positive with as much determination as I displayed on that ropes course, I should come out of this healthy, happy, wise and with the same great friends (maybe a few more) and same great boyfriend as I came into it with. I believe it is highly likely and almost for sure!
Thanks for reading!
Tiffy
Btw - I told the head of the ropes course I am ready to have another go at the zipline.