Recently there have been a lot of changes, additions, subtractions and frustrations in my life. Though I could go on and on in detail about these events I won't. Instead I am choosing to focus on the good stuff and try and learn from those things that have been less than positive. In doing so I have decided to share what I have learned so far with the world.
* Though I am a positive person I sure do 'look for the negative' more than I care to admit. This usually means that I am stressed about stuff I shouldn't be or have no reason to be yet and that I am unwilling to 'drop' stuff easily. This has lead to my annoying those closest to me. I see this behavior, I am not proud of it and I am going to work very hard on changing it.
* I am someone who likes to have my own time and space. I need to be more mindful of those who also feel this way. When I want it it isn't a reflection upon those I care about but more of a decompression from life in general. I need to remember I am not alone in feeling that way.
* While I was away I leaned very hard on those close to me here. I called a lot, texted a lot, etc. It was a way I 'stayed afloat' while gone and going through so much stress. However, since I have been back I have continued this type of behavior with those close to me. I call, text and generally 'overwhelm' a lot more than I was aware of. I have to realize fully that I am home now and floating just fine on my own. And now that I am I am doing nothing but dragging those I care about down under the same water I am trying to stay out of. So... now I must back off, cut back and calm down. If I don't I run the risk of losing those close to me and I am not willing to take that gamble.
* I need to get better about taking people at their word. If someone says they aren't mad at me, I need to believe it. If someone says they want to be with me, I need to believe it. Again, I must focus on the positive.
* I have gotten very good at not stressing over work/money stuff. I may worry a bit but I also am confident that fate will bring me what I need to survive. So far, that instinct has paid off well. However, I haven't gotten good at doing that in other areas of my life. Instead my recent approach has been to hold on to things so tight I almost assist in their demise. Thus it is time I learn to let go and let karma take over. I need to stop forcing or driving things and see where I am naturally guided instead.
* I believe being a part of my life takes more patience on the part of others than I sometimes care to admit. However, I do believe I am worth it and hope they do to.
Those are the big points I have come to see of late. I believe if I can appreciate these facts and make some minor changes then I can weather most situations with my close friends and my boyfriend at my side. That's the ultimate hope and goal, right? So let's see if I am right (hope so).
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
Camp: Overview & Wrap-up
I have been delaying writing this blog because I knew it was be both frustrating and sad. However, I think it is time I write it all down and just get it out there.
As many of you know by now I struggled as camp quite a bit. The lifeguard training was rather intense and exhausting. I hadn't swam consistently in many years and arrived feeling really out of shape. By the time it was over I felt better about myself butstill horribly exhausted. Before the kids arrived, we also had a lot of staff training. While some of it was really good, in hindsight a lot of it seemed irrelevant to the things I was later personally doing at camp.
I helped with a teen program that had the kids volunteering within the community at large. We did things like outdoor garden work, cleaning rooms at the animal shelter, making food for homeless, etc. It was lots of fun to coordinate and participate in. And the kids we had were fantastic! I have often heard that teens are tough to deal with and have bad attitudes. I was prepared for that. But I wasn't prepared for what I got which was a group of open-minded, fun-loving kids who wanted to help others but also have a good time. It was amazing being around their energy. Having gone through training feeling a bit out-of-place and also feeling like who I was (my core personality) didn't mesh-well with camp and camp officials, it was so refreshing to have these kids around. It helped make it all worth it, mostly.
Prior to the arrival of the kids we (my other co-counselors and I) had to coordinate all of the locations of where we would volutneer. With both of them being from Maine some of that coordination was good, but some was still difficult. Though at times the office was helpful as other times I felt sort of abandoned. This lead to me asking lots of questions. I am kind of a researcher type person - I like to ask a lot of questions, get all the information up front, and then build a plan, goal or make a decision. This type of method didn't work well with the powers-that-be and lead to some confusion, frustration and a talking to. I tried to explain how I worked and it seemed as though a compromise between how I was and what they wanted was reached. I took the criticism but also was a bit bothered as that is just how I am. I know it drives me (and others) crazy at times but I really don't like making decisions without all (or most) of the information. Anyway I made a conscious effort to avoid questions and keep a bit more quiet than usual. While this helped it also led to a few times where I felt left-out. For the most part, those times were few and far between so I was able to move on and work on getting the job done. We did our best, worked together pretty well, and had a lot of things planned by the time the kids arrived.
As part of the program we were to live off-grid with the kids (8 girls, 1 boy) in this old farmhouse about a mile or so away from main camp. It was a two-story house with a generator to give electricity, running water and flushing toilets. When I first saw it I was horrified. It hadn't yet been cleaned and was in a pretty run-down state. When we went upstairs to the room we would be sleeping in (the counselors) the window was covered in flies and the entire place reeked. It smelled like something had died up there. Sure enough, a few days later, they informed us of the dead porcupine they had found in one of the un-used un-finished rooms upstairs. By arrival day, the house had been cleaned up, the body removed and all was well. With the generator running we also had a beautiful and amazing outdoor shower we could use. At first I was rather ruluctant to try it (bug phobia) but I got past it and gave it a try and fell in love instantly. I helped encourage the kids to try it and they too loved it. It was happy-times at BlodgetHouse (that's the name of the house btw, incase you couldn't guess). That was soon to change....
One of our first activities was taking the kids to Acadia National Park that first weekend. We were to volunteer at the park cleaning carriage roads and various other projects. We arrived at the campsite, set things up and got ready for volunteering the next day. When we got there we saw the huge brown and green tents across the way. At the main office, one of the other counselors had asked who was staying there and was told the Girl Scouts. Cool. That could be fun. Ohhhh how wrong they were! Later in the evening, as we are all sitting around our campfire (courtesy of our token boy who was the only one able to get the damn thing going) 2 vans arrived at the camp across the way. This must be the Girl Scouts. HA! Out of the vehicles came about 20 very fit, very attractive teenage boys. It was like a slow-motion action sequence: we (and our girls) saw them and they saw us. Then our girls went promptly into their tents to 'prepare' and their boys quickly went behind their tents to change shirts, etc. It was hilarious! Then our girls came out and of course 'wanted to go meet the neighbors.' Honestly, they were young butvery cute, I wanted to go meet them too, but I played the responsible adult card and told them 'no' well against their hopes. I told them (honestly) that I was never so lucky when I was a teenage girl but that they were not allowed to cross the street under any circumstances. This led to quite a funny situation where their boys were sitting in the middle of the road playing cards (to be close and look cool) while our girls set on the edge of our side of the road frantically writing letters home (cause there was oh so much to share after 3 days). It was hilarious. ButI also felt so bad for not letting them go flirt - I mean it is a skill that needs to be perfected with practice. BUT I did not want them practicing out in the middle of the woods. Though there was some tension between the girls and I for a while after that (which I felt soooo badly about) I think we turned it around with weeks later me encouraging their flirting and setting up a magic show with the cute young AWAC(counselor-in-training) they all seemed to fancy. So hopefull by now they have moved past. I do think if I had the chance to do it over I would have grabbed up our smore stuff and gone and asked them to join us, possibly.
Anyway, so after the night of flirting-across-borders (should be a social/societal help group, yeah?) we headed down to the coast for our nightly circle - where we sat around and each took a turn saying our highs and lows for the day. Needless to say the boys were a high. We then returned to camp and got some sleep and were up and ready for volunteering the next morning. We spent about 6 hours raking leaves out of drainage ditches and clearing carriage roads. It was hard work but also very rewarding. We surprised (badly) the kids with ice cream and returned to camp. The sleeping arrangements the night before were the 8 girls in 1 tent with 1 counselor, the boy in a tent by himself and the other 2 counselors (myself included) in a separate tent. This second night both the other counselors told me to sleep in the van because I was still recovering from a cold I got the second week of camp. So this night found the 8 girls in a tent themselves, the boy in his, the other 2 counselors sharing the thirs tent and me in the van. Sleeping was rather elusive to me in Maine so at about 2 am I was still awake and had barely napped. Given the time change I was on the phone with my boyfriend about this time when I started to notice how bright the sky was getting, at intervals. Then I heard the thunder. I LOVE thunder and lightening. I always have - especially cause I rarely ever saw it growing up in Juneau, Alaska. So at first I was excited. But then it started getting more intense and louder. Within about 20 minutes the sky was so active I was seeing actual lightening bolts overhead. When it lit up it went from pitch black to mid-lunch time instantly. The wind was rattling the van back and forth and it was raining very, very hard. Suddenly I was scared. I had just shared that info on the phone with the boyfriend when I see lights come on in the girls tent. I watch and start to wonder why they are turning on their lights? I knew 1 girl in the tent was terrified of lightening so I kind of assumed they were trying to console her. Then I saw 1 girl go running from the tent across to where the other counselors were sleeping. Oh no! I watched as the counselor and camper go back to the tent. Then I see flashlights focused on the top, center of the tent. Oh crap! It's leaking! I communicate this through the phone and am getting more and more frightened. I ask if the car is safe and am told yes. Then I see 8 girls and a counselor come running toward the van. I quickly hang up the phone. As I see their faces and see the fear in their eyes it hits me suddenly: I am the adult and the counselor, I CANNOT be afraid anymore. I open the van doors and they all pile in quickly, with one of the counselors. A few minutes later the boy and the other counselor come running. Everyone is drenched and scared. The other 2 counselors are ok but I can tell they too are shook up. We don't really have an action-plan for this and this was never covered in the training, so we are sort of making-it-up-as-we-go-along. I tell the kids to get out of the clothes they have on that is totally drenched (only if they have stuff on underneathe of course). Knowing that they are drenched and we are cold I realize they need something to keep them warm, so I decide to go out into the storm and into the tents trying to find any dry sleeping bags. Now everybody seemed less than keen on my going out into the storm and honestly I wasn't crazy about it either,but I felt there was no other option. So with a big deep breathe and a prayer I left the van and headed for the tent. I was wearing crocs and when I stepped inside the tent the water came over the top of the crocs. It was like a flood scene - sleeping bags floating by, personal items all over the place and a huge waterfall of rain water coming right down through the center of the tent. I felt absolutely awful - how long had these poor girls been in there like that?! I grabbed some of the least-wet sleeping bags and headed back to the van. I put the sleeping bags across the kids and tried to get them as warm as we could. The counselors and I decided to call camp to ask what we should do. After some mishaps with the phone system at camp we finally got someone. But rather than being understanding or even vaguely supportive they were rather mean and unbothered (it seemed). We told them we didn't have all the poles for the tent - which they proceeded to tell us how we should have called them, told them etc. It's like - well that won't help now. What do we do now? And what would they have done if we had called? We were 4-5 hours away from camp so i doubt they would have delivered us poles or such. Anyway, it was frustrating and the overall consensus from the camp was that we were in charge so we had to handle it. And handle it we did.
We waited in the van til the lightening passed and then drove up the hill to the public restrooms. We took the kids into the girls room, put some of the less-wet blankets on the floor and tried to get them to get some rest. Another counselor had called the forest ranger so he brought us about 20 blankets which I put over the kids while the other 2 went down to the camp and starting breaking camp (what already wasn't broken) and packing up. After about 2-3 hours they came back up and said it was done. I waited in the bathroom with the kids, covering them as needed and playing Enya music in order to try and calm them down. There was a motion sensor light overhead so the slightest movements meant that the kids spent the night sleeping with lights on. Little rest was had. When camp was packed I headed down with the other 2 counselors and helped pack the van. Once it was done we returned to the bathroom, woke the kids and loaded them into the van to head back to Blodget House. It was around 5am when we hit the road. We were scheduled to do more volunteering that day so we notified the park we couldn't since everyone was wet, tired and not in their clothing anymore. Since all of my belongings had been in the van all of my stuff was dry. This meant that I handed out everything to the kids, and some to the other counselors. There wasn't a person in our group that wasn't wearing some article of my clothing. I was so glad some dry clothes were available.
On our drive back to the house the office called to talk about our ordeal. It was very frustrating. I understand we were breaking our volunteering agreement and such but we had went through a very traumatic night and the office was less-than supportive about it. All three of us listened as they told aobut what we should have done with the tents, the kids, etc. I think given our lack of sleep and our overall need to recover, constructive criticism didn't sit well with any of us. But the important thing was we were safe and headed home.
We got back to the house and got the generator working so everyone could shower. Someone from main camp came ot check on us and tell us that we could bring all our wet belongings into the camp to have them washed and dried rather than waiting til oour regular laundry day. The camp also decided that given our exhausting night and the fact we were unable to volunteer that day, that night the youngest girls cabin would come up for a visit and we could entertain them with games and making cookies. Though we were all a bit shocked that that seemed the best option for us in our worn out state, the cabin night went well and we had a fun time.
The next few days found us searching for fireworks (it was the 4th afterall) and finding none, working at animal shelters, retirement homes and doing more yard work. It was during this time that the generator quit. This meant no running water and no electricity. We couldn't flush the toilets - though a few tried and thus we (me actually) ended up standing ankle deep in shit trying to unclug and flush the toilet with pond water. We couldn't wash dishes properly so we had to boil pond water in order to sterilize it enough to get the dishes clean(ish). This was a truly gross experience to me - watching dead boiled bugs rinse off the dishes we eat off - but we managed. We couldn't shower at the house anymore so we now had to coordinate going into camp often and breaking into 2 groups to use the community showers. Though frustrating and annoying we did have some fun talks sitting around while we waited our turn under the facet.
One night in the wee hours of morning there was a banging sound coming from the garage door that entered into the kitchen. The other counselor on at the time work me up to come and investigate. Long story short, I ended up hunting a wild animal with the aide of a flashlight and stick. The hunt led me into the bug-infested run-down garage at 3am with nothing but aforementioned flashlight and stick. I located the source to be a porcupine that had made a home in the garage near the house. Once it was determined there was no danger from this animal the hunt was off and I returned to bed. I still look back in wonder at my willingness to open doors thinking there was some unknown creature on the other side and how quickly I made the decision to go into the garage - I didn't even like to go in there during the day, much less at night. But in an effort to make sure the place was safe and all the kids were going to be alright, I had to and I did.
As the month together went on our group got closer and closer. The unfortunate events we endured bonded us more than it probably would have had it been super simple and easy. For me the time with the kids was wonderful and I was so happy to do it, every day. However, I kept having negative encounters with the office. At one point I was rather short and (possibly) rude to a supervisor-like contact. To me I was in a rough spot, frustrated and tired. I was short and to the point. And afterwards we had another encounter that was better so I assumed things were fine. To this persons view it was the sign of a problem big enough to bring to the attention of the camp owners. So I was called into the office and a discussion of my attitude took place. I, yet again, felt like my overall personality just wasn't camp-friendly or at least compatible. I left not sure what the big deal was but determined to just keep quiet and try not to make waves. And I think I did pretty good, til the last few days.
We took the kids on a rather ambitious hike. It was really steep, really long and not entirely easy - but I loved it! Towards the end there was a lot of climbing over rocks and boulders. Once at the top there was a beautiful lake. To me it was all entirely worth it. The kids were a little disgruntled so our surprise of going to dinner and then seeing the new Harry Potter movie was met with good favor. On the way down the boy and I decided to run portions of the trail. We only ran the 'safe' parts that weren't rocky, steep or muddy. It was great fun and we had terrific conversation while we ran. As we got close to the end we began to walk. It was while we were walking that I tripped and fell. Instantly my ankle was in intense pain. But I sat for a few minutes and then tried to stand. It hurt a lot but I was alright. I knew it would hurt worse tomorrow but today it was fine. We walked to the end and waited for the rest of the group. After some pictures we headed off to dinner. My ankle hurt but I wasn't dying so I kept it rather quiet. They knew I had tripped but that was all - no need to exaggerate something minor, right?
We had a great meal and a nice place, burgers seemed to be the food of choice for most. During dinner I set with some of the girls I hadn't spent a ton of time with and had a fantastic time. We talked about everything from school to boys to each other to music. Great fun! We then all headed to the movie. I liked it but it wasn't my favorite installment in Harry Potters. Immediately after the movie I stood up and felt like I was going to die. Having set for 2 hours with my foot flat on the ground - not iced or elevated - it had completely ceased up and I was in agony. I told the other 2 counselors I was in pain but that we just had to get the kids home. It was really late (we had opted for a 10:20pm showing so it was well after midnight we got out) and the kids (and us) were spent. We drove the hour and a bit back to the house and put everyone to bed. I opted to sleep downstairs on our sofa-futon because it hurt way too much to go upstairs. It took me almost a half hour to get my shoe off my foot hurt so much. My ankle had swollen to about 3 times the usual size and it hurt to even have it lay on the bed. I was laying there crying my eyes out when I remembered that I had 1 strong pain pill with me (prescription strength - from a prescription I had for a shoulder injury month prior). Given how much pain, the distance to camp and the fact that it was 3 am, I opted to take the pain med, try to get some sleep and get to the nurse at camp asap in the morning. I hardly slept but the pain lessened.
In the morning I went to camp, showed them my ankle, told them about the pain pill and was told to rest it that day. It was wrapped up and I was given Motrin for pain. My kids were headed out to volunteer at a festival and I was crushed I couldn't go but agreed being off my foot may be best. I asked for a ride back to the house since all my stuff was out there. As I was waiting one of the camp owners came over and told me I had made a really stupid choice of taking the pain med and that taking it was against the rules. Then I was driven to the house. I spent the entire day freaked out I had really screwed up. The kids came back and we all went in to camp for an enveing show. During that time no one of authority said anything to me. I thought maybe given the severity of my injury I was going to be alright. No such luck.
The next day while at camp I was called to the office of the camp owner. He proceeded to yell at me for having taken the kids to a late movie, taken a pain med and all around making poor choices. By this point I was beyond frustrated. They put a porta potty on our front lawn so we could use the bathroom at our house. The generator had been fixed, broken, fixe,d replaced and broken so many times we had given up and not had any running water at the house in over 2 weeks. Dishes were piled up, the place stunk and both inside toilets were still full of shit, literally. I had made a few friends at main camp but with being so far out I hardly go to see them and wasn't able to really coordinate doing anything in off-time. With not having a car too it made it tough. Most nights off I had to spend just at the house, upstairs watching my portable dvd player or reading. There was a staff cabin but it was disgusting so there was no way I was going to stay there. So here I am tired, frustrated and just trying really hard to keep myself together to be able to be there for the kids. Being told how poor my decisions were just sent me over the edge and I stood up for myself. It was a very heated exchange (it was obvious the owner wasn't used to people standing up for themselves to him). I felt attacked and accused of doing thing that I didn't feel were fair, true or accurate. Given how much my basic personality had been scrutinized, now being called inresponsible and having my personal choices questioned regarding the well-being of the kids, I was done being quiet and ready to defend. And defend I did. The end result was him telling me to keep making the same good choices I had made for the last month. We basically agreed for me to finish out the time with the kids and leave. Which was fine by me.
I returned to time with the kids. The last few days found us boiling lots of pond water in order to get our dishes done. One night in particular I let my bitchy, sarcastic, done-with-all-the-crap flag fly and began making jokes about how our house would be the birth place of a new round of The Plague given the poor hygienic conditions. I laughed that we were more likely to give the swines an illness than they to give us one. It was a fun night but overall I was completely appauled at how bad the house had gotten with no real assistance from the main camp. I still can't believe how little was done - the generator was never up and running again. Though I know we bonded more than most from these bad times, I would have liked to have had less bad times or at least less bad-living conditions. The final night was spent at the main camp in a huge longer-than-necessary goodbye event that seemed to leave barely a dry eye in the place. All very dramatic, though at times very touching. We slept as a group in one of the dance halls at main camp and then left the next day.
I have gotten lots of questions since I been home:
Why did I leave early? Well, I went there thinking that after my moth of leaving off-camp in this house for the teen program I would move to main camp for two weeks and be part of the real camp-experience. Once there I continued to ask what the plan was and wasn't given any real answers until the third week. They then offered me the opportunity to stay living out at the thouse by myself and walk in to camp every day to teach classes or whatnot. I didn't ask for details on the whatnot because they honestly lost me at 'stay living in that house.' Though one of the counselors I worked with out there loved the idea and went to them and asked for it after I said no, to me it was horrific. I mean I loved being there with the kids and I liked the solitude from camp but the house was a shit-hole as far as I was concerned and there was NO WAY I was gonig to stay out there alone with no running water, working generator or indoor toilet. Hell no! And I figured with a house of 1 people if they hadn't fixed the generator what would be the motiviation when it was just one person? I was crushed and sad that I wouldn't be at the main camp and so I decided to leave and come back to Portland 2 weeks early. I think a good portion of why they offered me that opportunity was given the personality conflicts I was having with the main camp officials. Either way it wasn't an opportunity I wanted and with them given me no alternatives, here I am.
Would I do it again?
In the future - no way. I think I am a bit 'too old' or my personality isn't such that I am a good camp counselor. I had a wonderful time with the kids and I genuinely loved them as individuals. I would do it again with them in a heartbeat, but with others, no.
Even at a different camp?
Nope. My camp counselor days are done.
Do I regret the experience?
I try not to regret anything. I do feel as though this experience was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. Not sure if I made it so or what but either way I don't regret it. I learned a lot about myself (brave, strong, etc.) that I didn't know and I had a great time doing what I did. BUT I do wish things had been different. The difficulty of the situation and the negativity that I felt surrounded by (from main camp - I loved the kids and my co-counselors were awesome!) meant that I leaned on people here at home a lot more than I usually do or would have liked. This has put a strain on a lot of those relationships that are still here now that I am back. It sucks. There is no other way to say it. But I am trying to move past it and not dwell on the pain and anguish I caused them or me. It is very difficult as I don't do well feeling like I have hurt those I care about, which is exactly how I feel. And I feel like I let people down too. That I was supposed to be off having this amazing summer and I didn't. I tried and I did have some fun and do feel overall good about it but to me it is 2 separate things - the kids and the camp. I also feel like I let myself down (which is the hardest). I had this grand plan of comign back with glowing references and good money. Instead I am utterly broke and don't want to put it on my resume at all for fear the owner will totally dog me to a prospective employer. All of my feelings of hurting loved ones, letting people down and disappointing myself has meant that I have had a very hard time with being home. In so many ways it's still a culture shock. In other ways I just feel like I want to go back in time and do it all differently. I can't do any of that. So, I am left feeling awful towards others, like I am a bitchy, mean, insecure, crazy person and bad towards myself, like I should have known, planned better, asked more questions or been more positive. Again either way I can't do a thing about it now. I can't change the past and I can only ruin my future focusing on the past. I decided to write this blog as a way of getting it out, sharing it with the world and my friends and then no longer dwelling on it.
I cannot say enough about how much fun I had with the kids, how amazing they were and how honored I am to have known them. I also cannot say enough about how appauled I was at certain situations with the camp, how isolated I felt when trying to get help and how frustrating it was seeing these kids I cared about stressed or annoyed about things that I had absolutely no control over. I do know that I stand by all of my decisions that I made while at camp. I tried hard to make choices that were best for the kids and caused the least amount of suffereing or difficulty.
I also cannot say enough how grateful I am and was to my friends who were there for me while I was gone. I know you wanted me to go have a wonderful time and tell you amazing stories and instead I often called angry or crying about some drama or stress I was dealing with. And I know that I haven't been myself since I left or since I returned. I am secure and confident in who I am and how I do things. Never before have I been in such a direct "change yourself" situation - where I am almost being demanded to change. It's hard not to come out of that with some conflict of character. I wish I could go back and call less, or text less or bitch less or something, but I can't. I simply can't. And I wish with all my heart that my desire to do that and my accepting full responsibility for 'my crazy' while there was enough to forgive me my trangressions, my crazy and my insecurities. I can't change anything I did. Not a damn thing. All I can say is that I KNOW that I screwed up how I dealt with it and I would NEVER do it again. I can't apologize more than I have and I can't feel worse about it than I already do. But, I also know that I have to let it go and move on past this in order to truly move on past this. I would love to know others are or will move on past this with me.
This is my rant. From here on I am going to focus on the stories, the funny and the sad, but less on the negative. As I tell everyone "The kids were great, the camp sucked." From here on my focus will be, "The kids were great, we had so many experiences." Slightly different but more positive. I am releasing the negativity of my life by putting it all out here on cyberspace where anyone can see it, read it, comment on it, but it will no longer be a part of me. Maine will be an experience I use to show me my strength, my bravery, my love of kids and my extreme desire to be a teacher. Anything negative from it is now said, done and buried.
To those who I did lean on, please know I appreicate you and am sorry for any pain I caused due to my leaning. Move on from this with me and we will just see this as "crazy Tiffy time" and go forth to build newer, lighter memories. I will carry the parts from this experience with me that I need to be confident but I ask that you leave any parts of this experience behind that have caused you to lose faith in me or in the value I place on your friendship.
And to all my Blodget kids, know that I love you all and that you alone, will be the biggest, greatest, most wonderful part of this entire experience that I will carry forward. You will always have a very sacred, special place in my heart. Forever.
As many of you know by now I struggled as camp quite a bit. The lifeguard training was rather intense and exhausting. I hadn't swam consistently in many years and arrived feeling really out of shape. By the time it was over I felt better about myself butstill horribly exhausted. Before the kids arrived, we also had a lot of staff training. While some of it was really good, in hindsight a lot of it seemed irrelevant to the things I was later personally doing at camp.
I helped with a teen program that had the kids volunteering within the community at large. We did things like outdoor garden work, cleaning rooms at the animal shelter, making food for homeless, etc. It was lots of fun to coordinate and participate in. And the kids we had were fantastic! I have often heard that teens are tough to deal with and have bad attitudes. I was prepared for that. But I wasn't prepared for what I got which was a group of open-minded, fun-loving kids who wanted to help others but also have a good time. It was amazing being around their energy. Having gone through training feeling a bit out-of-place and also feeling like who I was (my core personality) didn't mesh-well with camp and camp officials, it was so refreshing to have these kids around. It helped make it all worth it, mostly.
Prior to the arrival of the kids we (my other co-counselors and I) had to coordinate all of the locations of where we would volutneer. With both of them being from Maine some of that coordination was good, but some was still difficult. Though at times the office was helpful as other times I felt sort of abandoned. This lead to me asking lots of questions. I am kind of a researcher type person - I like to ask a lot of questions, get all the information up front, and then build a plan, goal or make a decision. This type of method didn't work well with the powers-that-be and lead to some confusion, frustration and a talking to. I tried to explain how I worked and it seemed as though a compromise between how I was and what they wanted was reached. I took the criticism but also was a bit bothered as that is just how I am. I know it drives me (and others) crazy at times but I really don't like making decisions without all (or most) of the information. Anyway I made a conscious effort to avoid questions and keep a bit more quiet than usual. While this helped it also led to a few times where I felt left-out. For the most part, those times were few and far between so I was able to move on and work on getting the job done. We did our best, worked together pretty well, and had a lot of things planned by the time the kids arrived.
As part of the program we were to live off-grid with the kids (8 girls, 1 boy) in this old farmhouse about a mile or so away from main camp. It was a two-story house with a generator to give electricity, running water and flushing toilets. When I first saw it I was horrified. It hadn't yet been cleaned and was in a pretty run-down state. When we went upstairs to the room we would be sleeping in (the counselors) the window was covered in flies and the entire place reeked. It smelled like something had died up there. Sure enough, a few days later, they informed us of the dead porcupine they had found in one of the un-used un-finished rooms upstairs. By arrival day, the house had been cleaned up, the body removed and all was well. With the generator running we also had a beautiful and amazing outdoor shower we could use. At first I was rather ruluctant to try it (bug phobia) but I got past it and gave it a try and fell in love instantly. I helped encourage the kids to try it and they too loved it. It was happy-times at BlodgetHouse (that's the name of the house btw, incase you couldn't guess). That was soon to change....
One of our first activities was taking the kids to Acadia National Park that first weekend. We were to volunteer at the park cleaning carriage roads and various other projects. We arrived at the campsite, set things up and got ready for volunteering the next day. When we got there we saw the huge brown and green tents across the way. At the main office, one of the other counselors had asked who was staying there and was told the Girl Scouts. Cool. That could be fun. Ohhhh how wrong they were! Later in the evening, as we are all sitting around our campfire (courtesy of our token boy who was the only one able to get the damn thing going) 2 vans arrived at the camp across the way. This must be the Girl Scouts. HA! Out of the vehicles came about 20 very fit, very attractive teenage boys. It was like a slow-motion action sequence: we (and our girls) saw them and they saw us. Then our girls went promptly into their tents to 'prepare' and their boys quickly went behind their tents to change shirts, etc. It was hilarious! Then our girls came out and of course 'wanted to go meet the neighbors.' Honestly, they were young butvery cute, I wanted to go meet them too, but I played the responsible adult card and told them 'no' well against their hopes. I told them (honestly) that I was never so lucky when I was a teenage girl but that they were not allowed to cross the street under any circumstances. This led to quite a funny situation where their boys were sitting in the middle of the road playing cards (to be close and look cool) while our girls set on the edge of our side of the road frantically writing letters home (cause there was oh so much to share after 3 days). It was hilarious. ButI also felt so bad for not letting them go flirt - I mean it is a skill that needs to be perfected with practice. BUT I did not want them practicing out in the middle of the woods. Though there was some tension between the girls and I for a while after that (which I felt soooo badly about) I think we turned it around with weeks later me encouraging their flirting and setting up a magic show with the cute young AWAC(counselor-in-training) they all seemed to fancy. So hopefull by now they have moved past. I do think if I had the chance to do it over I would have grabbed up our smore stuff and gone and asked them to join us, possibly.
Anyway, so after the night of flirting-across-borders (should be a social/societal help group, yeah?) we headed down to the coast for our nightly circle - where we sat around and each took a turn saying our highs and lows for the day. Needless to say the boys were a high. We then returned to camp and got some sleep and were up and ready for volunteering the next morning. We spent about 6 hours raking leaves out of drainage ditches and clearing carriage roads. It was hard work but also very rewarding. We surprised (badly) the kids with ice cream and returned to camp. The sleeping arrangements the night before were the 8 girls in 1 tent with 1 counselor, the boy in a tent by himself and the other 2 counselors (myself included) in a separate tent. This second night both the other counselors told me to sleep in the van because I was still recovering from a cold I got the second week of camp. So this night found the 8 girls in a tent themselves, the boy in his, the other 2 counselors sharing the thirs tent and me in the van. Sleeping was rather elusive to me in Maine so at about 2 am I was still awake and had barely napped. Given the time change I was on the phone with my boyfriend about this time when I started to notice how bright the sky was getting, at intervals. Then I heard the thunder. I LOVE thunder and lightening. I always have - especially cause I rarely ever saw it growing up in Juneau, Alaska. So at first I was excited. But then it started getting more intense and louder. Within about 20 minutes the sky was so active I was seeing actual lightening bolts overhead. When it lit up it went from pitch black to mid-lunch time instantly. The wind was rattling the van back and forth and it was raining very, very hard. Suddenly I was scared. I had just shared that info on the phone with the boyfriend when I see lights come on in the girls tent. I watch and start to wonder why they are turning on their lights? I knew 1 girl in the tent was terrified of lightening so I kind of assumed they were trying to console her. Then I saw 1 girl go running from the tent across to where the other counselors were sleeping. Oh no! I watched as the counselor and camper go back to the tent. Then I see flashlights focused on the top, center of the tent. Oh crap! It's leaking! I communicate this through the phone and am getting more and more frightened. I ask if the car is safe and am told yes. Then I see 8 girls and a counselor come running toward the van. I quickly hang up the phone. As I see their faces and see the fear in their eyes it hits me suddenly: I am the adult and the counselor, I CANNOT be afraid anymore. I open the van doors and they all pile in quickly, with one of the counselors. A few minutes later the boy and the other counselor come running. Everyone is drenched and scared. The other 2 counselors are ok but I can tell they too are shook up. We don't really have an action-plan for this and this was never covered in the training, so we are sort of making-it-up-as-we-go-along. I tell the kids to get out of the clothes they have on that is totally drenched (only if they have stuff on underneathe of course). Knowing that they are drenched and we are cold I realize they need something to keep them warm, so I decide to go out into the storm and into the tents trying to find any dry sleeping bags. Now everybody seemed less than keen on my going out into the storm and honestly I wasn't crazy about it either,but I felt there was no other option. So with a big deep breathe and a prayer I left the van and headed for the tent. I was wearing crocs and when I stepped inside the tent the water came over the top of the crocs. It was like a flood scene - sleeping bags floating by, personal items all over the place and a huge waterfall of rain water coming right down through the center of the tent. I felt absolutely awful - how long had these poor girls been in there like that?! I grabbed some of the least-wet sleeping bags and headed back to the van. I put the sleeping bags across the kids and tried to get them as warm as we could. The counselors and I decided to call camp to ask what we should do. After some mishaps with the phone system at camp we finally got someone. But rather than being understanding or even vaguely supportive they were rather mean and unbothered (it seemed). We told them we didn't have all the poles for the tent - which they proceeded to tell us how we should have called them, told them etc. It's like - well that won't help now. What do we do now? And what would they have done if we had called? We were 4-5 hours away from camp so i doubt they would have delivered us poles or such. Anyway, it was frustrating and the overall consensus from the camp was that we were in charge so we had to handle it. And handle it we did.
We waited in the van til the lightening passed and then drove up the hill to the public restrooms. We took the kids into the girls room, put some of the less-wet blankets on the floor and tried to get them to get some rest. Another counselor had called the forest ranger so he brought us about 20 blankets which I put over the kids while the other 2 went down to the camp and starting breaking camp (what already wasn't broken) and packing up. After about 2-3 hours they came back up and said it was done. I waited in the bathroom with the kids, covering them as needed and playing Enya music in order to try and calm them down. There was a motion sensor light overhead so the slightest movements meant that the kids spent the night sleeping with lights on. Little rest was had. When camp was packed I headed down with the other 2 counselors and helped pack the van. Once it was done we returned to the bathroom, woke the kids and loaded them into the van to head back to Blodget House. It was around 5am when we hit the road. We were scheduled to do more volunteering that day so we notified the park we couldn't since everyone was wet, tired and not in their clothing anymore. Since all of my belongings had been in the van all of my stuff was dry. This meant that I handed out everything to the kids, and some to the other counselors. There wasn't a person in our group that wasn't wearing some article of my clothing. I was so glad some dry clothes were available.
On our drive back to the house the office called to talk about our ordeal. It was very frustrating. I understand we were breaking our volunteering agreement and such but we had went through a very traumatic night and the office was less-than supportive about it. All three of us listened as they told aobut what we should have done with the tents, the kids, etc. I think given our lack of sleep and our overall need to recover, constructive criticism didn't sit well with any of us. But the important thing was we were safe and headed home.
We got back to the house and got the generator working so everyone could shower. Someone from main camp came ot check on us and tell us that we could bring all our wet belongings into the camp to have them washed and dried rather than waiting til oour regular laundry day. The camp also decided that given our exhausting night and the fact we were unable to volunteer that day, that night the youngest girls cabin would come up for a visit and we could entertain them with games and making cookies. Though we were all a bit shocked that that seemed the best option for us in our worn out state, the cabin night went well and we had a fun time.
The next few days found us searching for fireworks (it was the 4th afterall) and finding none, working at animal shelters, retirement homes and doing more yard work. It was during this time that the generator quit. This meant no running water and no electricity. We couldn't flush the toilets - though a few tried and thus we (me actually) ended up standing ankle deep in shit trying to unclug and flush the toilet with pond water. We couldn't wash dishes properly so we had to boil pond water in order to sterilize it enough to get the dishes clean(ish). This was a truly gross experience to me - watching dead boiled bugs rinse off the dishes we eat off - but we managed. We couldn't shower at the house anymore so we now had to coordinate going into camp often and breaking into 2 groups to use the community showers. Though frustrating and annoying we did have some fun talks sitting around while we waited our turn under the facet.
One night in the wee hours of morning there was a banging sound coming from the garage door that entered into the kitchen. The other counselor on at the time work me up to come and investigate. Long story short, I ended up hunting a wild animal with the aide of a flashlight and stick. The hunt led me into the bug-infested run-down garage at 3am with nothing but aforementioned flashlight and stick. I located the source to be a porcupine that had made a home in the garage near the house. Once it was determined there was no danger from this animal the hunt was off and I returned to bed. I still look back in wonder at my willingness to open doors thinking there was some unknown creature on the other side and how quickly I made the decision to go into the garage - I didn't even like to go in there during the day, much less at night. But in an effort to make sure the place was safe and all the kids were going to be alright, I had to and I did.
As the month together went on our group got closer and closer. The unfortunate events we endured bonded us more than it probably would have had it been super simple and easy. For me the time with the kids was wonderful and I was so happy to do it, every day. However, I kept having negative encounters with the office. At one point I was rather short and (possibly) rude to a supervisor-like contact. To me I was in a rough spot, frustrated and tired. I was short and to the point. And afterwards we had another encounter that was better so I assumed things were fine. To this persons view it was the sign of a problem big enough to bring to the attention of the camp owners. So I was called into the office and a discussion of my attitude took place. I, yet again, felt like my overall personality just wasn't camp-friendly or at least compatible. I left not sure what the big deal was but determined to just keep quiet and try not to make waves. And I think I did pretty good, til the last few days.
We took the kids on a rather ambitious hike. It was really steep, really long and not entirely easy - but I loved it! Towards the end there was a lot of climbing over rocks and boulders. Once at the top there was a beautiful lake. To me it was all entirely worth it. The kids were a little disgruntled so our surprise of going to dinner and then seeing the new Harry Potter movie was met with good favor. On the way down the boy and I decided to run portions of the trail. We only ran the 'safe' parts that weren't rocky, steep or muddy. It was great fun and we had terrific conversation while we ran. As we got close to the end we began to walk. It was while we were walking that I tripped and fell. Instantly my ankle was in intense pain. But I sat for a few minutes and then tried to stand. It hurt a lot but I was alright. I knew it would hurt worse tomorrow but today it was fine. We walked to the end and waited for the rest of the group. After some pictures we headed off to dinner. My ankle hurt but I wasn't dying so I kept it rather quiet. They knew I had tripped but that was all - no need to exaggerate something minor, right?
We had a great meal and a nice place, burgers seemed to be the food of choice for most. During dinner I set with some of the girls I hadn't spent a ton of time with and had a fantastic time. We talked about everything from school to boys to each other to music. Great fun! We then all headed to the movie. I liked it but it wasn't my favorite installment in Harry Potters. Immediately after the movie I stood up and felt like I was going to die. Having set for 2 hours with my foot flat on the ground - not iced or elevated - it had completely ceased up and I was in agony. I told the other 2 counselors I was in pain but that we just had to get the kids home. It was really late (we had opted for a 10:20pm showing so it was well after midnight we got out) and the kids (and us) were spent. We drove the hour and a bit back to the house and put everyone to bed. I opted to sleep downstairs on our sofa-futon because it hurt way too much to go upstairs. It took me almost a half hour to get my shoe off my foot hurt so much. My ankle had swollen to about 3 times the usual size and it hurt to even have it lay on the bed. I was laying there crying my eyes out when I remembered that I had 1 strong pain pill with me (prescription strength - from a prescription I had for a shoulder injury month prior). Given how much pain, the distance to camp and the fact that it was 3 am, I opted to take the pain med, try to get some sleep and get to the nurse at camp asap in the morning. I hardly slept but the pain lessened.
In the morning I went to camp, showed them my ankle, told them about the pain pill and was told to rest it that day. It was wrapped up and I was given Motrin for pain. My kids were headed out to volunteer at a festival and I was crushed I couldn't go but agreed being off my foot may be best. I asked for a ride back to the house since all my stuff was out there. As I was waiting one of the camp owners came over and told me I had made a really stupid choice of taking the pain med and that taking it was against the rules. Then I was driven to the house. I spent the entire day freaked out I had really screwed up. The kids came back and we all went in to camp for an enveing show. During that time no one of authority said anything to me. I thought maybe given the severity of my injury I was going to be alright. No such luck.
The next day while at camp I was called to the office of the camp owner. He proceeded to yell at me for having taken the kids to a late movie, taken a pain med and all around making poor choices. By this point I was beyond frustrated. They put a porta potty on our front lawn so we could use the bathroom at our house. The generator had been fixed, broken, fixe,d replaced and broken so many times we had given up and not had any running water at the house in over 2 weeks. Dishes were piled up, the place stunk and both inside toilets were still full of shit, literally. I had made a few friends at main camp but with being so far out I hardly go to see them and wasn't able to really coordinate doing anything in off-time. With not having a car too it made it tough. Most nights off I had to spend just at the house, upstairs watching my portable dvd player or reading. There was a staff cabin but it was disgusting so there was no way I was going to stay there. So here I am tired, frustrated and just trying really hard to keep myself together to be able to be there for the kids. Being told how poor my decisions were just sent me over the edge and I stood up for myself. It was a very heated exchange (it was obvious the owner wasn't used to people standing up for themselves to him). I felt attacked and accused of doing thing that I didn't feel were fair, true or accurate. Given how much my basic personality had been scrutinized, now being called inresponsible and having my personal choices questioned regarding the well-being of the kids, I was done being quiet and ready to defend. And defend I did. The end result was him telling me to keep making the same good choices I had made for the last month. We basically agreed for me to finish out the time with the kids and leave. Which was fine by me.
I returned to time with the kids. The last few days found us boiling lots of pond water in order to get our dishes done. One night in particular I let my bitchy, sarcastic, done-with-all-the-crap flag fly and began making jokes about how our house would be the birth place of a new round of The Plague given the poor hygienic conditions. I laughed that we were more likely to give the swines an illness than they to give us one. It was a fun night but overall I was completely appauled at how bad the house had gotten with no real assistance from the main camp. I still can't believe how little was done - the generator was never up and running again. Though I know we bonded more than most from these bad times, I would have liked to have had less bad times or at least less bad-living conditions. The final night was spent at the main camp in a huge longer-than-necessary goodbye event that seemed to leave barely a dry eye in the place. All very dramatic, though at times very touching. We slept as a group in one of the dance halls at main camp and then left the next day.
I have gotten lots of questions since I been home:
Why did I leave early? Well, I went there thinking that after my moth of leaving off-camp in this house for the teen program I would move to main camp for two weeks and be part of the real camp-experience. Once there I continued to ask what the plan was and wasn't given any real answers until the third week. They then offered me the opportunity to stay living out at the thouse by myself and walk in to camp every day to teach classes or whatnot. I didn't ask for details on the whatnot because they honestly lost me at 'stay living in that house.' Though one of the counselors I worked with out there loved the idea and went to them and asked for it after I said no, to me it was horrific. I mean I loved being there with the kids and I liked the solitude from camp but the house was a shit-hole as far as I was concerned and there was NO WAY I was gonig to stay out there alone with no running water, working generator or indoor toilet. Hell no! And I figured with a house of 1 people if they hadn't fixed the generator what would be the motiviation when it was just one person? I was crushed and sad that I wouldn't be at the main camp and so I decided to leave and come back to Portland 2 weeks early. I think a good portion of why they offered me that opportunity was given the personality conflicts I was having with the main camp officials. Either way it wasn't an opportunity I wanted and with them given me no alternatives, here I am.
Would I do it again?
In the future - no way. I think I am a bit 'too old' or my personality isn't such that I am a good camp counselor. I had a wonderful time with the kids and I genuinely loved them as individuals. I would do it again with them in a heartbeat, but with others, no.
Even at a different camp?
Nope. My camp counselor days are done.
Do I regret the experience?
I try not to regret anything. I do feel as though this experience was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. Not sure if I made it so or what but either way I don't regret it. I learned a lot about myself (brave, strong, etc.) that I didn't know and I had a great time doing what I did. BUT I do wish things had been different. The difficulty of the situation and the negativity that I felt surrounded by (from main camp - I loved the kids and my co-counselors were awesome!) meant that I leaned on people here at home a lot more than I usually do or would have liked. This has put a strain on a lot of those relationships that are still here now that I am back. It sucks. There is no other way to say it. But I am trying to move past it and not dwell on the pain and anguish I caused them or me. It is very difficult as I don't do well feeling like I have hurt those I care about, which is exactly how I feel. And I feel like I let people down too. That I was supposed to be off having this amazing summer and I didn't. I tried and I did have some fun and do feel overall good about it but to me it is 2 separate things - the kids and the camp. I also feel like I let myself down (which is the hardest). I had this grand plan of comign back with glowing references and good money. Instead I am utterly broke and don't want to put it on my resume at all for fear the owner will totally dog me to a prospective employer. All of my feelings of hurting loved ones, letting people down and disappointing myself has meant that I have had a very hard time with being home. In so many ways it's still a culture shock. In other ways I just feel like I want to go back in time and do it all differently. I can't do any of that. So, I am left feeling awful towards others, like I am a bitchy, mean, insecure, crazy person and bad towards myself, like I should have known, planned better, asked more questions or been more positive. Again either way I can't do a thing about it now. I can't change the past and I can only ruin my future focusing on the past. I decided to write this blog as a way of getting it out, sharing it with the world and my friends and then no longer dwelling on it.
I cannot say enough about how much fun I had with the kids, how amazing they were and how honored I am to have known them. I also cannot say enough about how appauled I was at certain situations with the camp, how isolated I felt when trying to get help and how frustrating it was seeing these kids I cared about stressed or annoyed about things that I had absolutely no control over. I do know that I stand by all of my decisions that I made while at camp. I tried hard to make choices that were best for the kids and caused the least amount of suffereing or difficulty.
I also cannot say enough how grateful I am and was to my friends who were there for me while I was gone. I know you wanted me to go have a wonderful time and tell you amazing stories and instead I often called angry or crying about some drama or stress I was dealing with. And I know that I haven't been myself since I left or since I returned. I am secure and confident in who I am and how I do things. Never before have I been in such a direct "change yourself" situation - where I am almost being demanded to change. It's hard not to come out of that with some conflict of character. I wish I could go back and call less, or text less or bitch less or something, but I can't. I simply can't. And I wish with all my heart that my desire to do that and my accepting full responsibility for 'my crazy' while there was enough to forgive me my trangressions, my crazy and my insecurities. I can't change anything I did. Not a damn thing. All I can say is that I KNOW that I screwed up how I dealt with it and I would NEVER do it again. I can't apologize more than I have and I can't feel worse about it than I already do. But, I also know that I have to let it go and move on past this in order to truly move on past this. I would love to know others are or will move on past this with me.
This is my rant. From here on I am going to focus on the stories, the funny and the sad, but less on the negative. As I tell everyone "The kids were great, the camp sucked." From here on my focus will be, "The kids were great, we had so many experiences." Slightly different but more positive. I am releasing the negativity of my life by putting it all out here on cyberspace where anyone can see it, read it, comment on it, but it will no longer be a part of me. Maine will be an experience I use to show me my strength, my bravery, my love of kids and my extreme desire to be a teacher. Anything negative from it is now said, done and buried.
To those who I did lean on, please know I appreicate you and am sorry for any pain I caused due to my leaning. Move on from this with me and we will just see this as "crazy Tiffy time" and go forth to build newer, lighter memories. I will carry the parts from this experience with me that I need to be confident but I ask that you leave any parts of this experience behind that have caused you to lose faith in me or in the value I place on your friendship.
And to all my Blodget kids, know that I love you all and that you alone, will be the biggest, greatest, most wonderful part of this entire experience that I will carry forward. You will always have a very sacred, special place in my heart. Forever.
Camp days 9-14
I have decided that it is most efficient for me to write my blogs in word and then simply download them to the site whenever I have internet - which isn’t often (though it is easily accessible I have simply been too busy or too tired to go to it). Anyway, only took me about 2 weeks to figure this out. Yeah I am a slow learner at times.
I won’t bore you with the details of everything but focus on a few key things. First of all, Thursday the 18th found me on the ropes course of camp. Since this has been such an intense training session (sometimes too intense) they broke all the counselors into 4 groups in order to have smaller ‘class sizes’ for the meetings. These groups were based on what things you were specializing in here at camp. Also meant this would be the group you went through the ropes course with. The ropes course is a series of challenges that are set up for the kids in the trees. All start with some way of getting off the ground, manuver through various obsticles that take you up to about 60 feet in the air and then you zipline down to the bottom of the course. It is very cool looking but very terrifying as well. However having never done a zipline I was pumped. After a morning of trust-game exercises to get us to know and trust our ropes crew (the ones actually holding our asses up in the air) we were ready. I volunteered to go second. There are basically 3 ways to start: 1) a ladder up a tree to a tie-rope like thing with Tarzan vines you hold on to or swing through to get to a balance beam you cross, taking you to a bridge that leads you to vertical pentagram type thing you climb up to get to a big black verticle tube that has holes you put your hands through to climb up inside of up to a ledge where you then get on a horses saddle, yell YeeHaw then cross another bridge to the zip line; 2) starts as a series of horizontal ropes about 2 feet apart that you climb across while going up, onto a shaky bridge thing that then meets up with the pentagram from the first route; and 3) which starts with a huge 60 foot tall cargonet that you climb up to a ledge where you then cross 2 balance-beam things that are free floating (suspended from trees by cables, not stable at all) to a giant spider web style cargonet that is perfectly vertical which leads you up to the zipline ledge. For reasons I cannot explain (though probably a spider-web Spiderman connection of some sort) I chose option number 3. Big mistake!
After about 40 minutes of climbing and exhausting myself on the cargonet I finally reached the first ledge. Totally freak out about the height and still not trusting of the equipment I stayed there for a few minutes catching my breathe. Ok…like 15 but whose counting? I then had to switch to a static line (one not held onto by a person but set in the tree) to traverse the free-floating balance beams. I was very reluctant at first to cross as they told me it would be easiest to hold onto the rope harness and just walk it. My mind was not having it. After some minor fears and mishaps I opted to have on hand on the harness and one hand on the static line above me. This worked out beautifully for me. I got across in a very quick pace and was at the next ledge in no time. I was totally elated and excited. I was so close to the zipline it was awesome! I switched back to a belay line (one held by a person) and started to climb the spider web. It was exhausting. It made the cargonet look simple and easy. I made it to the center before my entire body started to rebel against me. The first cargonet is similar to ones we’ve all seem where they lean forward and you can basically lay flat on them with your belly to the ground. Not this one. Oh no! the spider web was perfectly vertical which meant you either stood straight up or you fell backwards. So here I was hanging now over 60 feet in the air and hanging backwards with only my arms and legs holding me up. It was exhausting. I had to take a series of breaks, where I stopped climbing and just sat back in the harness having the person below hold me up. The great thing about that was it got me confidence in the equipment which totally eased my fears of the height and let me start to appreciate just how high I was and how far I had come. However, these breaks were short lived because I was determined to make it to the zipline. I pushed on. Though my muscles started to ache and my knees were rubbing raw from rope burn I pushed on.
By this time I had been on the ropes about an hour, maybe a little more. The day before I had been doing some intense lifeguard training. My cabin mates had taken to talking loud into the wee hours of morning and I was running on very little sleep. In short, my body was really beginning to shut down and become very pissed off at me. But I held on. Or tried to. The ropes crew felt my pain and fatigue and gave me a ‘push’ by counting to three and then jumping up and yanking my harness (and thus me) up a few feet. It helped a lot but also felt like an enormous wedgy. I continued to hold on. By this time I had been on the ropes for about an hour and a half. Utterly exhausted and about 6 steps from the ledge for the zipline. But I was having trouble getting my feet to move up since I was leaning so far back. They told me to push forward with my weight but my arms were simply too tired from holding myself on practically upside down (thinking crawling along a ceiling) for almost an hour. Also from being in the tight harness and having been pushed earlier, the harness started to cut into my stomache and legs. That was when I started getting muscle shakes. You know, where you are so worn out your body just starts twitching. Here I am about 65-70fee off the ground, hanging upside down in the giant spider web, 6 steps from the ledge that will get me on the zipline I have wanted to do for months and my body has decided to stop. I hold on, I push, I scream, I swear out strings of profanities. I tell the girls below how I have a totally Spiderman fantasty but it isn’t quite like this. I beg and plead to God for any level of assistance. I cheer myself on. Others are cheering me on. The rope crew feels for me and they offer to give me 2 more pushes which, with my climbing, will probably get me there. At the mention of the pushes my body starts to totally shut down as I can feel the harness cutting in to a point where my legs are starting to tingle. In the worn out, exhausted and absolutely knackered state I had to make one of the most frustrating decisions I have ever had to make - I asked to come down. Six steps from the zipline and I HAD to stop. My body couldn’t take it anymore. The pushes might have gotten me up but my legs were practically useless in climbing. And my arms were so tired I doubt I could have help myself up onto the zipline. I felt I had no other option. I asked to come down, let go of the spider web and was slowly and gently lowered to the ground. At the exact moment I let go of the web I began to uncontrollably and violently cry. I bawled. There is no other definition.
I was so utterly disappointed in myself. I felt like a complete loser. I had come so far, was so close and I gave up. I reached the ground and just sat there crying for almost 10 minutes. The head of the ropes crew (another counselor) came over and told me I had done an amazing job. Everyone applauded and said they had never seen anyone with as much determination as I had up there. He told me no one had ever been on the course so long - holding on and working like that. That I should be proud of myself and feel good about how far I got with little to no assistance. Everything that was said was sweet and supportive. And to my mind, utter bullshit. I had failed. I had tried and I had failed. I felt like I was an out-of-shape, overweight loser who should just go home now cause I can’t do a physical thing to save my life. I got off the ground, took off my gear and walked back to my cabin alone. I cried the entire way back. I got to the cabin and laid on my bed, almost completely unable to move my arms. Everything was shaking, violently. I called y boyfriend on my cell phone and told him what had happened. He was supportive and encouraging. At first he seemed disappointed that I hadn’t done the zipline. But as I explained the course I had to traverse to get to the zipline he quickly changed his tone - I think he thought it was just a zipline, not something you had to climb through trees to get to. Once he understood the magnitude of the course he was very sweet and kind. I still felt awful and still beat myself up quite a bit. I couldn’t hold the phone to my ear so I had to rest it on the pillow and lean my head because my arms hurt way too much to move. I was miserable. I eventually stopped crying about that situation and got off the phone. As cabin mates came in I began to try and get up so I could head to dinner at the dining hall. Every muscle in my body ached - and I mean every damn one! On the walk over people who had heard about my afternoon approached me and offered support and kind words. People who had seen me came over to say how inspiring I was that I pushed myself so hard and for so long. That they were so sad to see me stop but knew I had made the right choice. It was nice to hear these things but again, I felt it was all irrelevant. I had failed to reach the zipline.
On this walk, as a way to avoid eye contact with people, I began to examine my hands. It was then that I noticed the splinters. Both hands, front and back, were covered with splinters - some from the wood that came out of the ledges into my palms as I climbed onto them for support and a small break, but mostly from the hard ropes that were holding me up. I realized I would need to remove these before I could do much with my hands. I tried to eat what I could but without arm movements it’s hard to eat most foods. After dinner I went to the health lodge where I found a needle and tweezers. After 20 minutes I had removed about 15 splinters total from both hands, ranging in size from almost invisible to 2 that were at least ¼ inch long. Felt good to have them out but just added to my body’s sense of rebellion. I left the health lodge to head to night training still feeling like a loser…a beaten loser.
The next morning I took a long hot shower and had a good look at myself. I was completely covered with brusies from my knees all the way down to my ankles. Both knees were swollen and rope burned (I had climbed in long pants). The thighs had huge bruises where the harness set, as did my legs and stomach. I was quite a pitiful mess. Following the shower I had to go back to the pool for more liefguard training. My body was hating me. And I still felt like a loser. Completely.
The next few days were filled with training sessions on counseling, boundaries, etc. I learned some things and unlearned others. It all informative but the overall process is still a bit much for me. The forced friendship feeling is a bit overwhelming for me at times. I like everyone, truly. And I think most of the people here are people I could actually get along with and be mates with. However, forcing us to interact and ‘get to know each other’ in such constructed ways is foreign to me and I am having trouble adjusting.
Back home, with the social group I am in, I am used to bonding with people over events and activities. It gives you a common thing to do and focus on and then converse about. Here it is more ‘sit and talk about this’ type thing and that isn’t my style. And I find it just frustrates me and makes me less apt to want to communicate. Plus there are times when the age differences/maturity differences seem really huge to me. With so many people here wanting very badly to make friends or meet someone, I find I am an outsider. I want friends, of course, but it is not my motivating force here. With a boyfriend back home I have no desire to meet someone. Those two things alone seem to set me apart quite a bit. I try to be myself with people but I sometimes find my more serious or quiet side is what I show -though I still ask 800 questions, which seems to annoy some staff here and/or gives them this false impression of how I ‘work’ which is bothering.
All of this plus the intense liefguard training has been very exhausting. It has been sunny 1 day since I got here. One day! Most days it is raining and windy. Most of those days we have been in the water at the pool or the lake. It has been draining, exhausting and at times, down right miserable. However the last 2 days have showed some silver lining I think.
Yesterday while walking to the lake I had a few minutes on my own to just look at the ropes course, as it is on the way. Upon seeing it I realized just how far I had gotten. I realized how difficult the path I had chosen was too. I watched a few others struggle with it much as I did, some succeeding and others not. And I realized that for someone who had never even done a climbing wall before, to have climbed a 60 foot high cargo net was impressive. As someone who is horribly afraid of heights to have spent almost 2 hours on little ledges or ropes or balance beams only secured to safety by ropes and a harness that was impressive. And for someone who hasn’t worked out regularly for a long time and is carrying so extra weight and has been running around non-stop and swimming for the first time in about 8 years, the fact that I made it off the first cargonet was impressive. Standing there almost 5 days later and seeing where I had started and where I had stopped and realizing the physical reasons for why I had stopped and that none of them were because of fear or lack of determination, I finally started to remember and listen to the things people had said to me about my attempt, and I finally started to say those very things to myself. I had tried so hard, I had given my complete and total all, I had pushed myself to the maximum of my limits and then pushed even further. I had tried harder for that zipline than anything I have tried for in the last few years - physically and mentally. I had pushed and pushed. And despite how badly I wanted it I also allowed myself to know my final limit and not push myself to the point of physically permanently hurting myself. I had given it my best effort and for that, I was proud. Finally. Realizing that put a little spring in my step and made my walk to the lake a bit lighter.
I then spent the remaining part of that day running drills with the other lifeguards in the lake. I came backt o camp and then proceeded to head to the pottery studio where I hand-crafter (pinch and pull method not the wheel) a giant mug for me to drink tea in. Since I always add ice cubes to my hot water so I can actually drink it sometime I made the mug big enough to have a large amount of hot water while still leaving room for the ice cubes. AND the top is in the shape of a star. Bet you never seen that before!
Then today I spent the day back at the lake finishing our drills and doing a final emergency simulation with a spinal injury. After all of the training and pushing and early morning, cold water, total downpour rainy swims, I am officially a lifeguard. And honestly, I feel confident in my abilites as one. Not to mention proud of myself for reaching this goal. It’s awesome! Also we had a staff talent show tonight that was great fun to watch. I chose not to particpate but instead just be an audience member. It was great fun and honestly I wish they had started our training with that since I now feel like I have real conversation pieces with some people. Not to mention a better feel for personalities which would have made interactions easier for me all along. But either way, it was fun to watch and I was impressed by quite a few of them actually.
The next few days involve a bit more training and prepping for the kids, who finally arrive on Saturday. I am so ready to ‘get the show on the road’ now that I am really anxious. I haven’t enjoyed a good portion of this training -being told what to do and when isn’t something I am used to. As my boyfriend pointed out, a lot of this sounded like (and felt like) boot camp. I have tried to conform and mostly have, though I feel like bits of me have suffered. But on Saturday the kids arrive and the real fun begins for me. This is the reason I came here - to be with the kids. Everything else is just extra or irrelevant to me. So I am very excited to see the day coming nearer. And I would be lying if I didn’t say that the training has been useful mostly and probably very important in the long run. And given the usual demographic of the counselors the method of training is probably very necessary and effective. Again, I may not have fit in but that doesn’t mean I haven’t gotten stuff out of it. And I may be counting down the days til camp is over for me, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t parts I am enjoying or that I want to give up. If anything I want to have it be something like, “And with 30 days left I finally stopped counting and reached my zone of pure enjoyment.” Don’t know if I will but I hope to. I am here for the kids so with them arriving I am sure I will lose count or at least count with a motive of not wanting ot go vs. waiting anxiously to leave.
I am also trying very hard to worry about ‘the real world’ less. I still have my concerns about friends or the boyfriend. Anytime I have voiced them to anyone back home I get a resounding “stop worrying” or “come on already” which makes me feel silly but also helps. Rather that than, “Yeah we probably will break up” or “We already made a new friend just like you so you’re right to be worried.” my close friends and my boyfriend have been great dealing with my insecurities. I can’t express how much I appreciate it. I am still a little worried, I have 45 more days here. To me right now, given how tired I am and such it seems like a long time. But I know it really isn’t. and maybe to those back home with their usual comforts and such, it really isn’t. To me, across the country and sharing a room with 2 other girls with only a tiny 2 shelf cabinet to put all my stuff on, it seems a long time. Where a shower is a true luxury and I am frantically checking for ticks each night before bed, 45 days is a year. And a lot can change in a year. But to those at home, this 45 days may be 2 weeks. I keep reminding myself that I wouldn’t forget my friends, so they probably won’t forget me. Same goes with lots of stuff - if I wouldn’t do it or think it, why should I think someone else would? Makes no sense. So I am trying to let myself let go of some of the stress. As it was explained to me, “don’t will it into existence” so I am trying not to worry so much. The worries are there but getting a care package helps. A kind email helps. A sweet text message helps. Hell, even a sarcastic email or text helps. And I have gotten all of those things, so why on earth should I worry I’ll be replaced, mistreated or forgotten?! It’s not easy since it really comes down to trust which is not something that is super easy for me, but I am trying. And if I can worry-less and think positive with as much determination as I displayed on that ropes course, I should come out of this healthy, happy, wise and with the same great friends (maybe a few more) and same great boyfriend as I came into it with. I believe it is highly likely and almost for sure!
Thanks for reading!
Tiffy
Btw - I told the head of the ropes course I am ready to have another go at the zipline.
I won’t bore you with the details of everything but focus on a few key things. First of all, Thursday the 18th found me on the ropes course of camp. Since this has been such an intense training session (sometimes too intense) they broke all the counselors into 4 groups in order to have smaller ‘class sizes’ for the meetings. These groups were based on what things you were specializing in here at camp. Also meant this would be the group you went through the ropes course with. The ropes course is a series of challenges that are set up for the kids in the trees. All start with some way of getting off the ground, manuver through various obsticles that take you up to about 60 feet in the air and then you zipline down to the bottom of the course. It is very cool looking but very terrifying as well. However having never done a zipline I was pumped. After a morning of trust-game exercises to get us to know and trust our ropes crew (the ones actually holding our asses up in the air) we were ready. I volunteered to go second. There are basically 3 ways to start: 1) a ladder up a tree to a tie-rope like thing with Tarzan vines you hold on to or swing through to get to a balance beam you cross, taking you to a bridge that leads you to vertical pentagram type thing you climb up to get to a big black verticle tube that has holes you put your hands through to climb up inside of up to a ledge where you then get on a horses saddle, yell YeeHaw then cross another bridge to the zip line; 2) starts as a series of horizontal ropes about 2 feet apart that you climb across while going up, onto a shaky bridge thing that then meets up with the pentagram from the first route; and 3) which starts with a huge 60 foot tall cargonet that you climb up to a ledge where you then cross 2 balance-beam things that are free floating (suspended from trees by cables, not stable at all) to a giant spider web style cargonet that is perfectly vertical which leads you up to the zipline ledge. For reasons I cannot explain (though probably a spider-web Spiderman connection of some sort) I chose option number 3. Big mistake!
After about 40 minutes of climbing and exhausting myself on the cargonet I finally reached the first ledge. Totally freak out about the height and still not trusting of the equipment I stayed there for a few minutes catching my breathe. Ok…like 15 but whose counting? I then had to switch to a static line (one not held onto by a person but set in the tree) to traverse the free-floating balance beams. I was very reluctant at first to cross as they told me it would be easiest to hold onto the rope harness and just walk it. My mind was not having it. After some minor fears and mishaps I opted to have on hand on the harness and one hand on the static line above me. This worked out beautifully for me. I got across in a very quick pace and was at the next ledge in no time. I was totally elated and excited. I was so close to the zipline it was awesome! I switched back to a belay line (one held by a person) and started to climb the spider web. It was exhausting. It made the cargonet look simple and easy. I made it to the center before my entire body started to rebel against me. The first cargonet is similar to ones we’ve all seem where they lean forward and you can basically lay flat on them with your belly to the ground. Not this one. Oh no! the spider web was perfectly vertical which meant you either stood straight up or you fell backwards. So here I was hanging now over 60 feet in the air and hanging backwards with only my arms and legs holding me up. It was exhausting. I had to take a series of breaks, where I stopped climbing and just sat back in the harness having the person below hold me up. The great thing about that was it got me confidence in the equipment which totally eased my fears of the height and let me start to appreciate just how high I was and how far I had come. However, these breaks were short lived because I was determined to make it to the zipline. I pushed on. Though my muscles started to ache and my knees were rubbing raw from rope burn I pushed on.
By this time I had been on the ropes about an hour, maybe a little more. The day before I had been doing some intense lifeguard training. My cabin mates had taken to talking loud into the wee hours of morning and I was running on very little sleep. In short, my body was really beginning to shut down and become very pissed off at me. But I held on. Or tried to. The ropes crew felt my pain and fatigue and gave me a ‘push’ by counting to three and then jumping up and yanking my harness (and thus me) up a few feet. It helped a lot but also felt like an enormous wedgy. I continued to hold on. By this time I had been on the ropes for about an hour and a half. Utterly exhausted and about 6 steps from the ledge for the zipline. But I was having trouble getting my feet to move up since I was leaning so far back. They told me to push forward with my weight but my arms were simply too tired from holding myself on practically upside down (thinking crawling along a ceiling) for almost an hour. Also from being in the tight harness and having been pushed earlier, the harness started to cut into my stomache and legs. That was when I started getting muscle shakes. You know, where you are so worn out your body just starts twitching. Here I am about 65-70fee off the ground, hanging upside down in the giant spider web, 6 steps from the ledge that will get me on the zipline I have wanted to do for months and my body has decided to stop. I hold on, I push, I scream, I swear out strings of profanities. I tell the girls below how I have a totally Spiderman fantasty but it isn’t quite like this. I beg and plead to God for any level of assistance. I cheer myself on. Others are cheering me on. The rope crew feels for me and they offer to give me 2 more pushes which, with my climbing, will probably get me there. At the mention of the pushes my body starts to totally shut down as I can feel the harness cutting in to a point where my legs are starting to tingle. In the worn out, exhausted and absolutely knackered state I had to make one of the most frustrating decisions I have ever had to make - I asked to come down. Six steps from the zipline and I HAD to stop. My body couldn’t take it anymore. The pushes might have gotten me up but my legs were practically useless in climbing. And my arms were so tired I doubt I could have help myself up onto the zipline. I felt I had no other option. I asked to come down, let go of the spider web and was slowly and gently lowered to the ground. At the exact moment I let go of the web I began to uncontrollably and violently cry. I bawled. There is no other definition.
I was so utterly disappointed in myself. I felt like a complete loser. I had come so far, was so close and I gave up. I reached the ground and just sat there crying for almost 10 minutes. The head of the ropes crew (another counselor) came over and told me I had done an amazing job. Everyone applauded and said they had never seen anyone with as much determination as I had up there. He told me no one had ever been on the course so long - holding on and working like that. That I should be proud of myself and feel good about how far I got with little to no assistance. Everything that was said was sweet and supportive. And to my mind, utter bullshit. I had failed. I had tried and I had failed. I felt like I was an out-of-shape, overweight loser who should just go home now cause I can’t do a physical thing to save my life. I got off the ground, took off my gear and walked back to my cabin alone. I cried the entire way back. I got to the cabin and laid on my bed, almost completely unable to move my arms. Everything was shaking, violently. I called y boyfriend on my cell phone and told him what had happened. He was supportive and encouraging. At first he seemed disappointed that I hadn’t done the zipline. But as I explained the course I had to traverse to get to the zipline he quickly changed his tone - I think he thought it was just a zipline, not something you had to climb through trees to get to. Once he understood the magnitude of the course he was very sweet and kind. I still felt awful and still beat myself up quite a bit. I couldn’t hold the phone to my ear so I had to rest it on the pillow and lean my head because my arms hurt way too much to move. I was miserable. I eventually stopped crying about that situation and got off the phone. As cabin mates came in I began to try and get up so I could head to dinner at the dining hall. Every muscle in my body ached - and I mean every damn one! On the walk over people who had heard about my afternoon approached me and offered support and kind words. People who had seen me came over to say how inspiring I was that I pushed myself so hard and for so long. That they were so sad to see me stop but knew I had made the right choice. It was nice to hear these things but again, I felt it was all irrelevant. I had failed to reach the zipline.
On this walk, as a way to avoid eye contact with people, I began to examine my hands. It was then that I noticed the splinters. Both hands, front and back, were covered with splinters - some from the wood that came out of the ledges into my palms as I climbed onto them for support and a small break, but mostly from the hard ropes that were holding me up. I realized I would need to remove these before I could do much with my hands. I tried to eat what I could but without arm movements it’s hard to eat most foods. After dinner I went to the health lodge where I found a needle and tweezers. After 20 minutes I had removed about 15 splinters total from both hands, ranging in size from almost invisible to 2 that were at least ¼ inch long. Felt good to have them out but just added to my body’s sense of rebellion. I left the health lodge to head to night training still feeling like a loser…a beaten loser.
The next morning I took a long hot shower and had a good look at myself. I was completely covered with brusies from my knees all the way down to my ankles. Both knees were swollen and rope burned (I had climbed in long pants). The thighs had huge bruises where the harness set, as did my legs and stomach. I was quite a pitiful mess. Following the shower I had to go back to the pool for more liefguard training. My body was hating me. And I still felt like a loser. Completely.
The next few days were filled with training sessions on counseling, boundaries, etc. I learned some things and unlearned others. It all informative but the overall process is still a bit much for me. The forced friendship feeling is a bit overwhelming for me at times. I like everyone, truly. And I think most of the people here are people I could actually get along with and be mates with. However, forcing us to interact and ‘get to know each other’ in such constructed ways is foreign to me and I am having trouble adjusting.
Back home, with the social group I am in, I am used to bonding with people over events and activities. It gives you a common thing to do and focus on and then converse about. Here it is more ‘sit and talk about this’ type thing and that isn’t my style. And I find it just frustrates me and makes me less apt to want to communicate. Plus there are times when the age differences/maturity differences seem really huge to me. With so many people here wanting very badly to make friends or meet someone, I find I am an outsider. I want friends, of course, but it is not my motivating force here. With a boyfriend back home I have no desire to meet someone. Those two things alone seem to set me apart quite a bit. I try to be myself with people but I sometimes find my more serious or quiet side is what I show -though I still ask 800 questions, which seems to annoy some staff here and/or gives them this false impression of how I ‘work’ which is bothering.
All of this plus the intense liefguard training has been very exhausting. It has been sunny 1 day since I got here. One day! Most days it is raining and windy. Most of those days we have been in the water at the pool or the lake. It has been draining, exhausting and at times, down right miserable. However the last 2 days have showed some silver lining I think.
Yesterday while walking to the lake I had a few minutes on my own to just look at the ropes course, as it is on the way. Upon seeing it I realized just how far I had gotten. I realized how difficult the path I had chosen was too. I watched a few others struggle with it much as I did, some succeeding and others not. And I realized that for someone who had never even done a climbing wall before, to have climbed a 60 foot high cargo net was impressive. As someone who is horribly afraid of heights to have spent almost 2 hours on little ledges or ropes or balance beams only secured to safety by ropes and a harness that was impressive. And for someone who hasn’t worked out regularly for a long time and is carrying so extra weight and has been running around non-stop and swimming for the first time in about 8 years, the fact that I made it off the first cargonet was impressive. Standing there almost 5 days later and seeing where I had started and where I had stopped and realizing the physical reasons for why I had stopped and that none of them were because of fear or lack of determination, I finally started to remember and listen to the things people had said to me about my attempt, and I finally started to say those very things to myself. I had tried so hard, I had given my complete and total all, I had pushed myself to the maximum of my limits and then pushed even further. I had tried harder for that zipline than anything I have tried for in the last few years - physically and mentally. I had pushed and pushed. And despite how badly I wanted it I also allowed myself to know my final limit and not push myself to the point of physically permanently hurting myself. I had given it my best effort and for that, I was proud. Finally. Realizing that put a little spring in my step and made my walk to the lake a bit lighter.
I then spent the remaining part of that day running drills with the other lifeguards in the lake. I came backt o camp and then proceeded to head to the pottery studio where I hand-crafter (pinch and pull method not the wheel) a giant mug for me to drink tea in. Since I always add ice cubes to my hot water so I can actually drink it sometime I made the mug big enough to have a large amount of hot water while still leaving room for the ice cubes. AND the top is in the shape of a star. Bet you never seen that before!
Then today I spent the day back at the lake finishing our drills and doing a final emergency simulation with a spinal injury. After all of the training and pushing and early morning, cold water, total downpour rainy swims, I am officially a lifeguard. And honestly, I feel confident in my abilites as one. Not to mention proud of myself for reaching this goal. It’s awesome! Also we had a staff talent show tonight that was great fun to watch. I chose not to particpate but instead just be an audience member. It was great fun and honestly I wish they had started our training with that since I now feel like I have real conversation pieces with some people. Not to mention a better feel for personalities which would have made interactions easier for me all along. But either way, it was fun to watch and I was impressed by quite a few of them actually.
The next few days involve a bit more training and prepping for the kids, who finally arrive on Saturday. I am so ready to ‘get the show on the road’ now that I am really anxious. I haven’t enjoyed a good portion of this training -being told what to do and when isn’t something I am used to. As my boyfriend pointed out, a lot of this sounded like (and felt like) boot camp. I have tried to conform and mostly have, though I feel like bits of me have suffered. But on Saturday the kids arrive and the real fun begins for me. This is the reason I came here - to be with the kids. Everything else is just extra or irrelevant to me. So I am very excited to see the day coming nearer. And I would be lying if I didn’t say that the training has been useful mostly and probably very important in the long run. And given the usual demographic of the counselors the method of training is probably very necessary and effective. Again, I may not have fit in but that doesn’t mean I haven’t gotten stuff out of it. And I may be counting down the days til camp is over for me, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t parts I am enjoying or that I want to give up. If anything I want to have it be something like, “And with 30 days left I finally stopped counting and reached my zone of pure enjoyment.” Don’t know if I will but I hope to. I am here for the kids so with them arriving I am sure I will lose count or at least count with a motive of not wanting ot go vs. waiting anxiously to leave.
I am also trying very hard to worry about ‘the real world’ less. I still have my concerns about friends or the boyfriend. Anytime I have voiced them to anyone back home I get a resounding “stop worrying” or “come on already” which makes me feel silly but also helps. Rather that than, “Yeah we probably will break up” or “We already made a new friend just like you so you’re right to be worried.” my close friends and my boyfriend have been great dealing with my insecurities. I can’t express how much I appreciate it. I am still a little worried, I have 45 more days here. To me right now, given how tired I am and such it seems like a long time. But I know it really isn’t. and maybe to those back home with their usual comforts and such, it really isn’t. To me, across the country and sharing a room with 2 other girls with only a tiny 2 shelf cabinet to put all my stuff on, it seems a long time. Where a shower is a true luxury and I am frantically checking for ticks each night before bed, 45 days is a year. And a lot can change in a year. But to those at home, this 45 days may be 2 weeks. I keep reminding myself that I wouldn’t forget my friends, so they probably won’t forget me. Same goes with lots of stuff - if I wouldn’t do it or think it, why should I think someone else would? Makes no sense. So I am trying to let myself let go of some of the stress. As it was explained to me, “don’t will it into existence” so I am trying not to worry so much. The worries are there but getting a care package helps. A kind email helps. A sweet text message helps. Hell, even a sarcastic email or text helps. And I have gotten all of those things, so why on earth should I worry I’ll be replaced, mistreated or forgotten?! It’s not easy since it really comes down to trust which is not something that is super easy for me, but I am trying. And if I can worry-less and think positive with as much determination as I displayed on that ropes course, I should come out of this healthy, happy, wise and with the same great friends (maybe a few more) and same great boyfriend as I came into it with. I believe it is highly likely and almost for sure!
Thanks for reading!
Tiffy
Btw - I told the head of the ropes course I am ready to have another go at the zipline.
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